Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
