I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
