i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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