I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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