When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
