Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
40s are totally the cure
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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