what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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