I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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