The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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