I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
