So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Randomize
