My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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