If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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