Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
