Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
