I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
