hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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