I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This baby is an asshole
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
