i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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