It's like God shit irony all over that family
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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