fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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