The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
