It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
