I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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