im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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