I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
