I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
