what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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