I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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