So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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