dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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