Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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