It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
