you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
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the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
tell me about the eggs
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