I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
