Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
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when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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