You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
