remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
