i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Your penis caused this!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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