just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I supernannyed him into submission
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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