only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
