i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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