I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
