I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
