Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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