I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
