Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
