where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
