just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
