Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
