she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
