Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
