When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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