Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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