He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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