so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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