They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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