Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
